Monday, April 2, 2012

Grateful (The book!)

Grateful. Grateful that unlike like last year, there was no April Fool's joke played on me.  Last year's April Fool's prank was so big, so monumental, so many people involved unbeknownst to me.  What my daughter and her then boyfriend played on me was just the tip of the iceberg to what was an orchestration by my daughter and her Dad to destroy me.  Damn near did.   The next 29 days they put me through a hell I will never forget.  They would make sure that I was left with friends, no home, no family, no son and no money.  They went far and they went deep to cut my heart out...
A year later and I am blessed to not have any April Fool's Day prank pulled on me.

A year ago, I never knew that I would never have another normal conversation with my daughter again.  I didn't know that her deep desires would wreck me as a person...that because of her I would lose my husband (I know, I know - that should have happened 14+ years ago and he continued to give me reasons to leave him but because of this girl and her brother, I chose to stay because I valued my family more than anything even if their Dad could care less.  Pot smoking and porn was always more important, or at least those things played a close second to being a big shot around town). So this girl, at 18, was able to make it her decision, not mine, that my marriage would end, that my family would end, that I would lose my home, I would lose most of my closest friends, I would lose my reputation, I would lose my mental health and more.
You might ask where was her Dad in all of this?  Wouldn't a Father step in and for lack of better words, give her a swift kick to the rear?  Afraid not. He had snapped.  And his desire to destroy me and blame me for all of his life's failures would fall on me.  It was way more important to destroy me so he would look like the good guy and I would look like a crazy person...funny, how he was able to convince my best friends and my son.  These were the same friends that we traveled with, camped with, spent weekends with, hung out, had deep conversations and all it took for them to walk away was my husband's reaching out to them as a victim with his slippery, slimey ways and they believed him....
Yes, its been a year. Today.  And what a roller coaster ride it has been.  There were days early on, that I didn't think I would recover.  I believed that my heart was broken and would remain broken for the rest of my life. Even now, with a new outlook, a new attitude and a healed heart, I think back too those dark, dark days and I have to hold back the tears when I think of the deep despair that I was in.
It would have been easier to deal with if my inner circle of friends would have been there for me but they were not.  They joined forces with my husband and kids and after hanging so many times, they threw me out like a 'Bic lighter'.  Grateful, that my older friends, that knew my husband and mine story, didn't hesitate for a minute...they knew who he was.  They also knew who I was and more importantly, they knew the Mom that I was to those children.  I didn't have to convince them of anything.  My then current friends I had to try and convince that I wasn't the person that my husband and my daughter portrayed.  They believed the lies....Needless to say, those people I tried to convince are no longer a part of my life. These same friends shared what they believed to be true and shared it with others as well.   There were also many that never bothered to check in but ended up rallying around my daughter because she is beautiful with a perpetual smile....even when she became a falling down drunk, they supported her.  Enough of that.....It really is true that in times of trouble you will know who your true friends are.  I also found that grown woman still have high school mentality, go with the group for fear of being ousted.  I never want to be a part of that mentality.
Little did I know that I would not be able to share my story with the people I would meet without them questioning me...As I got better, I realized that the people I were meeting along the way, thought I must have done something horrible to deserve the fate I received. I met with therapists that didn't believe me and 7 months later, I am still trying to convince my lawyer that my husband and 2 kids lied and set out to destroy me.
A year later.  With the exception of my lawyer, I no longer need to convince anyone of who I am.  I should have walked away from my lawyer because it made for an unhealthy client relationship between us 2.  That has gotten better because I am getting more direct. Plus I realize that I am unable to convince him if his mind is already made up...the judge, their lawyer all believed them...why wouldn't he?
I have a wonderful therapist now, been with her for almost 4 months - I didn't have to convince her either.
I have also been blessed with a family that has supported me and provided for me.  I am forever grateful for that.
I am also so thankful that my Lord carried me through when I didn't think I could.  He continues to walk with me and lead my way.
Yes, its been a year. Over the next 29 days there will be a lot of year markers.  I am ready.  I am happy where I am. Today.  Still got some hurdles to get through but am able to face them and be ready for what lies ahead.
Yes, its been a roller coaster that I was never prepared for but here I am doing OK.  Maybe not on top of the world but ready for my new life.

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